Chapter 3
You were once the human known as JOHN EGBERT. You used to have a variety of interests, but now you are DEPRESSED and INTROVERTED. Currently you are fading into the wind. Your ASPECT grants you this power, as you have used NUMEROUS TIMES the last eight years. Today might be the longest you have intentionally spent in this form, or at least you don't recall losing yourself to the wind for this long before. This time you feel as if you could stay in this form forever.
You are not sure where you are at the moment. Not that you particularly care. You can't see your surroundings very well. Of course you can't. You don't use your vision to navigate in this form. Your WINDY POWERS allow you to pick up on where you are without actually needing to see. You find it challenging to explain to others, but you navigate primarily by using your other senses. A friend of yours once described her own ability to navigate without sight in a similar way.
Following the breeze out in what feels like the woods, you come across a clearing. It seems cozy. It's been a while, and you suppose now would be a good time to sit and think about what just happened. Though, perhaps after you finish gazing at this sunset. It's lovely, and the color reminds you of another old friend you've been missing lately. The strange "THANKS FOR PLAYING" text still appears off to the side of the sun, which confuses you to no end, but you and your friends typically just laugh it off whenever it comes up in conversation.
Thinking about your friends causes your thoughts to drift towards your sister. How you lashed out at her. How she started to cry. How upset she was when you screamed at her. All because she felt ignored by you. Her brother and, previously, closest friend.
Why did you do that? Why did you have to bring it up? Why did you have to tell her all of those things? Why couldn't you just be what she needed in that moment and suppress your feelings again, as you normally do? Now Jade hates you. Right? She's mad at you, you made her cry. You hurt her. You lashed out and screamed and fought her. Why wouldn't she be mad at you? Why wouldn't she hate you? And what is that buzzing again?
Oh. It's your MOBILE DEVICE. Yet again. You tell yourself you have got to stop forgetting about it.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
GC: 3GB3RT
GC: YOU TH3R3?
GC: 1 N33D TO T3LL YOU SOM3TH1NG
GC: 1TS K1ND OF 1MPORT4NT
GC: H3Y
GC: DONT 1GNOR3 M3 3GB3RT
...
You don't really feel like talking to her right now. Normally you would. She's probably your best friend, maybe even closer to you than Rose. But you're busy right now. Besides, it's probably something to do with the girl she's been searching for, and while you miss the both of them, they're not exactly pressing matters at the moment. Certainly not more pressing than freaking out about your sister.
The sun is still setting, the orange remnants beginning to fade as the sky turns a dark shade of blue. You think you could be fine with this, you like blue. It is your color after all. Glancing at the horizon you notice a layer of green between the orange of the sun and the blue of the night sky. You don't think you've ever noticed that before, but it looks strangely beautiful. Until it, too, reminds you of your sister.
Maybe you should just go home. Even the growing night sky and the peaceful loneliness that had previously given you solace is beginning to eat away at you, constantly reminding you of your failures. Your mistakes. Your outbursts.
Outbursts? As in plural?
You don't recall having any others. But something in your subconscious suggests this isn't the first time you lashed out at someone. It's probably not even the first time you lashed out at Jade. Why else would it suggest "outbursts" over "outburst"?
Your phone buzzes again. And again. And again, and again, and again, and god what does she want now? Can't she tell you're soliloquizing?
GC: 3GB3RT 4R3 YOU FUCK1NG TH3R3???
GC: 4NSW3R M3 N3RD
GC: QU1T PULL1NG MY FROND OR 1M GONN4 FLY B4CK TH3R3 4ND BR34K OP3N YOUR S33D FL4P
You go to respond to her, but halfway through typing your message she starts calling you. Man, this girl is impatient.
JOHN: what what what is it what do you want i was in the middle of typing up a fucking reply god!!!!!!!!
TEREZI: H3Y
TEREZI: TH4TS NO W4Y TO T4LK TO YOUR B3ST FR13ND 1S 1T?
TEREZI: J3GUS 3GB3RT YOU WOUND M3
JOHN: ugh, sorry.
JOHN: look i am just in a shit mood ok?
JOHN: what did you have to tell me?
JOHN: is it something about her?
TEREZI: C4LM YOUR RUMBL3 SPH3R3S, DORK
TEREZI: 1M JUST FUCK1NG W1TH YOU
TEREZI: Y34H 1 FOUND 4 F3W MOR3 OF H3R TH1NGS
TEREZI: 4T L34ST 1 TH1NK TH3Y'R3 H3RS
JOHN: oh no.
JOHN: what did you find?
TEREZI: 1 FOUND 4 R34LLY T4STY SHO3 4ND 4 BROK3N P41R OF GL4SS3S
TEREZI: BOTH COV3R3D 1N BLU3 ST41NS
JOHN: terezi did you lick her shoes?
JOHN: her shoes covered in what is probably her blood?
TEREZI: OF COURS3 1 D1D 3GB3RT
TEREZI: HOW 3LS3 WOULD 1 KNOW TH3Y W3R3 R3D?
JOHN: couldn't you just like, smell them?
JOHN: isn't that what you normally do?
TEREZI: 3GB3RT
JOHN: yes?
TEREZI: TH3Y W3R3 R3D 4ND D3L1C1OUS
TEREZI: 1 4M ONLY FL3SH 4ND BLOOD
JOHN: heheheh, that's not the first time you've said that to me about red shoes.
TEREZI: WH4T?
JOHN: yeah.
JOHN: way back in- wait, no you wouldn't remember.
JOHN: it was in the other timeline.
TEREZI: WH4T W4S 1N TH3 OTH3R T1M3L1N3
JOHN: you took jade's sparkly red god tier shoes after she died or something, it's hard to remember now.
JOHN: god, jade...
JOHN: god dammit.
TEREZI: OH Y34H 1 DO R3M3MB3R TH4T
JOHN: wait really?
TEREZI: Y34H MORON, 1TS S33R STUFF
TEREZI: WH4TS GO1NG ON W1TH J4D3?
JOHN: don't worry about it. i'll tell you some other time.
JOHN: tell me more about what's going on out there?
TEREZI: 1M JUST 4 L1TTL3 WORR13D 4BOUT H3R 1S 4LL
TEREZI: NOT TO M3NT1ON 1M T1R3D
TEREZI: 4ND HUNGRY
TEREZI: 4ND BOOOOOOOR3D
TEREZI: FUUUUUUCK
TEREZI: JOHN YOU WOULDNT B3L13V3 HOW FUCK1NG BOR1NG P4R4DOX SP4C3 1S
JOHN: woooooooow, really?
JOHN: paradox space is boring?
JOHN: i never would have guessed :P
TEREZI: H3Y >:[
TEREZI: MY THR34T 1S ST1LL ON TH3 T4BL3, DORK
TEREZI: 1 W1LL FLY B4CK TH3R3 4ND OP3N UP YOUR 4NGU1SH BL4DD3R 4ND T4ST3 TH3 1NS1D3
JOHN: ohhhhhhhh noooooooo i'm so scared!
JOHN: please don't come back to all your friends who care about you!
JOHN: that would be the worst!
TEREZI: HOLY SH1T WH3N D1D YOU G3T SO SN4RKY?
TEREZI: YOU SOUND L1K3 4 G1RL 3GB3RT
You laugh. That might be the first time in days you've really laughed at something. Wait what did she call you?
JOHN: heheh. it looks like you called me "girl egbert".
TEREZI: Y34H W3LL
TEREZI: SOM3T1M3S YOU 4CT L1K3 ON3
TEREZI: OR 4T L34ST L1K3 TH3 G1RLS 1 KNOW
TEREZI: MOST OF WHOM 4R3 SN4RKY B1TCH3S >:]
JOHN: doesn't that include you?
TEREZI: 3V4D1NG TH3 QU3ST1ON, 3GB3RT!
JOHN: what?!?!
JOHN: what question!!!!!!!!
TEREZI: TH3 QU3ST1ON OF WHY 4R3 YOU 4 SN4RKY B1TCH NOW
TEREZI: COM3 ON, 3GB3RT
TEREZI: L34RN TO K33P UP
JOHN: what were we even talking about?
JOHN: something about paradox space?
JOHN: oh yeah, you said you were worried.
TEREZI: 4 L1TTL3 Y34H
TEREZI: 4BOUT 4 LOT OF TH1NGS
TEREZI: MOSTLY H3R
JOHN: hey, don't worry, you'll find her.
JOHN: eventually.
JOHN: who knows? maybe you've almost caught up to her?
TEREZI: TH4TS K1ND OF 3X4CTLY TH3 PROBL3M JOHN
TEREZI: 1M WORR13D TH4T 1LL F1ND H3R SOON
TEREZI: 4ND TH4T 1 WONT L1K3 WH4T 1 F1ND
JOHN: yeah...
JOHN: well, i hope you find her alive and well.
JOHN: i mean, she has to be out there, right?
JOHN: how else will she return to being the main character and getting all of the attention? :P
TEREZI: YOUR3 NOT WRONG TH3R3 3GB3RT
TEREZI: 4LR1GHT 1 4M GO1NG TO G3T B4CK TO LOOK1NG
TEREZI: YOU SHOULD PROB4BLY GO HOM3, YOU SM3LL L1K3 4 S4D S4CK
JOHN: what?!
JOHN: how do you know that i'm not at home?!
JOHN: and how can you smell that i'm a sad sack over the phone?!
JOHN: i mean i am not a sad sack!!
JOHN: but how can you tell that?!
TEREZI: 1 C4NT 4CTU4LLY SM3LL YOU R1GHT NOW DUMP4SS
TEREZI: 1 C4NT B3L13V3 YOU BOUGHT TH4T
JOHN: ugh!!!!!!!!
TEREZI: 1TS JUST 4 F33L1NG 1 H4D
TEREZI: GO HOM3 JOHN
TEREZI: 1LL T4LK TO YOU N3XT T1M3 1 H4V3 1NFO
JOHN: ok fiiiiiiiine i'll go home :/
TEREZI: 4ND DONT TH1NK 1M NOT COUNT1NG THOS3 SHOUT POL3S
JOHN: what are you talking about?!
TEREZI: GO HOM3 JOHN
JOHN: ok!! ok!! i'm going home!!
JOHN: stay safe, terezi!
What is she talking about? Shout poles? Must be a troll word for something. You decide to gaze at the sunset one last time, now that the sun is almost completely gone. You see the green flare on the horizon again, and while it still reminds you of your sister, it also reminds you of Terezi. At least she doesn't hate you. Or if she does it's that weird kind of troll hate-romance.
... She doesn't want to be your, what's that word again? Kiss something?
GC: TH3 WORD 1S K1SM3S1S, DUMP4SS >:]
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
How did she?
You decide not to question it. She is a SEER, and her ASPECT is MIND, so you figure she has some dumb, mystical way of reading your thoughts. The fact she only bothered to correct you and not answer your question bothers you. Though, from what you understand, if she wanted to be your kismesis, she would probably be much more hateful. Right?
You start to summon the winds, so you can do the windy thing and head back home, until you realize you don't actually know where you are. You got lost out here intentionally, remember? Still, there is one option you can use. You could always use your other power. You hate using that power though, it almost scares you a little. Control over the timeline without any meddling from paradox space resulting in your timeline becoming doomed is a powerful thing, and potentially dangerous in the wrong hands.
But thankfully, they are not in the wrong hands. Rather, they're in the hands of a MENTALLY UNSTABLE DORK.
... Maybe they are in the wrong hands.
Either way, you summon thoughts of your living room, and focus on the current time, and...
*zap*
---------------------------------------------------------
Ahhhh, home sweet home.
ROSE: John?
Wait what?
JOHN: rose?
KANAYA: Oh John There You Are
JOHN: kanaya?
JOHN: what are you two doing here?
What are they doing here? And how did they get in?
ROSE: Well, we heard from Jade that you'd disappeared, and that she was worried.
ROSE: She messaged Dave and I and asked us to check on you.
KANAYA: Karkat And I Both Apparently Decided To Join In Checking Up On You
ROSE: When we got here you were gone, so Dave and Karkat decided to go looking for you.
The front door opens, and speak of the devil...
DAVE: hey we cant find him
KARKAT: THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, ASSHOLE.
DAVE: oh yeah imagine that
You were just feeling better, and now they're all worried about you and you're feeling annoyed and upset again. Wonderful.
JOHN: well fine ok.
JOHN: here i am.
JOHN: i'm 8ack, i'm fine.
JOHN: you can all go home now.
DAVE: dude are you sure youre fine?
DAVE: jade says you kinda just stormed out of her place *literally* and then disappeared for hours
DAVE: nobody could get a hold of you
JOHN: hours?
KANAYA: Yes John
KANAYA: Hours
You glance at your MOBILE DEVICE. Holy shit. You thought you were just gone for an hour. Has it really been six hours since you left your sister's tower-house? You then remember what time of year it is, and that sunset in this part of the world is reasonably late in the evening. You don't typically think about the passage of time anymore, especially not to these lengths.
JOHN: sorry.
JOHN: i just kind of needed to think for a bit.
KARKAT: OH OK.
KARKAT: YOU NEEDED TO *THINK* FOR A BIT.
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOUR HUMAN THINK-PAN ISN'T SMART ENOUGH TO FUCKING THINK IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T TERRIFY PEOPLE?
KARKAT: WHAT COULD *POSSIBLY* BE-HRMRPHRMRPHRR
Before Karkat can finish his sentence, you see Dave reach over and place his finger on Karkat's lips.
DAVE: shoosh babe
KARKAT: HRMPBMRPHRHPRHMRHMPHPRHPRHPM!!!!!!!!!
KANAYA: He Does Have A Point Though John
KANAYA: Why Would You Need To Disappear For Such A Long Period Of Time If Only To Think
DAVE: yeah dude why would you need to spend *that* long thinking about stuff
JOHN: it's nothing!!!!!!!!
JOHN: don't worry about it.
JOHN: seriously i'm fine just
JOHN: ugh.
You walk towards your couch and seat yourself, hoping they'll all walk out of the still open front door. Does Dave not understand how to close doors or something? And can they all stop using your name? At least Terezi mostly just calls you by your last name.
ROSE: Are you sure?
ROSE: You know we're all here for you, John.
You withdraw upon hearing your name yet again.
DAVE: yeah were all like here to support you and stuff
DAVE: yknow like friends
DAVE: cause were all your friends
KARKAT: YEAH, ASSHOLE.
DAVE: karkat my dude maybe dont call him an asshole right now
KARKAT: SORRY, I'M A LITTLE UPSET.
DAVE: yeah i can kinda tell
DAVE: hey egbert you wanna maybe come crash at our place for a couple nights? yknow get you out of this old place?
Your anger starts welling up yet again. Part of you wishes you could accept the offer, to be honest. It might actually be nice to-
JOHN: no. i'm fine.
Oh. You sure it wouldn't be a good idea to-
JOHN: i S8ID i'm fine.
JOHN: look just leave me alone ok?
JOHN: i'm alright i'll 8e fine.
DAVE: alright dude well if you say youre fine then i trust you i know you mean well and all
DAVE: were your friends and we all love you
DAVE: even karkat
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN STRIDER?
KARKAT: ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY I DON'T?
KARKAT: LOOK I KNOW I FUCKING HATED HIM YEARS AGO THAT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME. THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW YOU FUCKING GRUBSHITTING ASSCACTUS.
DAVE: hey babe chill its fine it was a *joke* im just messing with you
KARKAT: FUCK YOU DON'T YOU *BABE* ME.
KANAYA: Boys Do You Really Think Now Is The Right Time For This
KANAYA: John I Deeply Apologize For The Trouble We Have Put You Through Tonight
KANAYA: I Hope Youre Able To Overcome Whats Troubling You And I Hope You Know That
KANAYA: As Youre A Very Dear Friend To Rose I Consider You A Part Of Our Family
KANAYA: And Our Spare Respiteblock Is Open To You Should You Need It
DAVE: yeah dude if you ever need you can crash on our couch it doesnt bite
JOHN: thanks, kanaya, and dave.
JOHN: and you're fine karkat.
JOHN: i love you all.
JOHN: but i would really just like to be alone now.
Wow, maybe Terezi was right about you, you do sound like a sad sack don't you?
You watch as your friends start to leave. Except for Rose. Once the others have left, she stays behind for a moment.
ROSE: You know, John.
ROSE: Would it be alright if, instead of dragging you out away from your home, I were to spend the night here?
JOHN: what?
JOHN: why do you wanna st8y here?
ROSE: To tell you the truth, things have been very busy lately.
ROSE: I have been helping Kanaya attend to her motherly duties and, while of course I am perfectly happy to do so, I have been looking for excuses to relax a bit lately.
ROSE: Not to mention it can get fairly loud.
JOHN: yeah i bet.
ROSE: Besides, I enjoyed our time yesterday.
ROSE: I wouldn't mind another excuse to interact with my oldest friend.
ROSE: If you don't mind, of course.
Why is everyone so intent on not leaving you alone all of a sudden? It's not like you're going to do something drastic like leap off a bridge, or, I don't know, zap yourself out of canonical existence? What would that even entail? And what do you mean by canonical? Is your life canon? Why do you care? What does canon even mean?
This is stupid. Let's not waste time thinking about such things. Instead let's waste time thinking about how you're going to respond to your best friend.
JOHN: yeah, ok, fine.
JOHN: i guess it's alright.
That's better.
---------------------------------------------------------
The two of you wasted a good half an hour attempting to set up the television that you haven't used in ages. You've taken to watching movies on your computer lately, it feels comfier for some reason. Plus it allows you to send your friends stupid jokes while you watch them without having to use a separate device. Not that you ever really message them anyways. Why are you thinking about that again? Don't you bully yourself enough already?
You are currently watching a carapacian drama. Dave suggested it to you both ages ago, but neither of you ever bothered to watch it. It's not like you really ever watch television anyways. Nor does Rose. You're more of a movie guy. The two of you wanted something to keep on for noise, however. It feels less awkward that way.
JOHN: oh hey, here comes another one with jake's ass.
ROSE: Again?
ROSE: It's honestly astounding how often they play these.
ROSE: It's almost as if he's contractually required to appear in every single commercial on this station.
JOHN: heh, it might actually be.
JOHN: the people can't get enough of it.
ROSE: I can't say I understand the appeal of it.
ROSE: And yet...
ROSE: I won't deny that despite my feelings about boys, and especially about him, one could indeed bounce a quarter off of that boy's ass.
JOHN: it's almost hypnotic sometimes.
JOHN: maybe it's jane.
ROSE: I really doubt she's editing herself into all of Jake's advertisements, John.
JOHN: no no like
JOHN: it's all a plot!
JOHN: she's trying to take over the world by hypnotizing everyone into doing her bidding, and she's using jake's ass to hypnotize everyone!
ROSE: Hmmmm...
ROSE: You do have a point there.
ROSE: Though I don't think I can say I would expect that of her, given her own history with brainwashing.
JOHN: that's true...
Well now you feel like an asshole again.
Oh. She's giggling. Ok, maybe it was fine.
ROSE: I still wouldn't entirely put it past her, though.
ROSE: You never know.
ROSE: Your family can be properly devious when you put your minds to it, John.
That is your name. Was that really necessary? You wince a bit upon hearing it. Why is it even bothering you so much? Has it always bothered you? You haven't ever minded before. It's just stra-
No, you've definitely been bothered by it before. It bothered you this morning. It bothered you again this afternoon. It bothered you just a little bit ago, when your friends kept using it. Maybe it's always been like this? You really can't rememb-
ROSE: Hey, are you alright?
You blink. You must have spaced out again.
JOHN: yeah i'm fine.
ROSE: You know you're a terrible liar, right?
Damn. Foiled again by flighty broads.
JOHN: it's really nothing.
JOHN: honest.
JOHN: it's just...
You clam up for a moment. Do you really want to get into this with her? Especially now? Why can't you just enjoy your night together?
ROSE: Go on.
JOHN: it's just my name. hearing it kinda 8ugged me.
JOHN: that's all.
But really, is that all? Surely this can't have been going on for all that long. You'd remember, right?
Or maybe you wouldn't.
In fact, you're fairly sure now you wouldn't remember it, because not only did you forget how many times it happened today alone, you also remember other times it's bothered you. You remember how much it hurt to hear your name at your birthday every year. That's why you stopped celebrating with everyone. You remember how much it hurt to hear or read your name whenever your friends said it, either in person or over your favorite INSTANT MESSAGING CLIENT. That's why you stopped talking to people. Even if it meant you were all alone.
ROSE: Earth C to John, are you there?
You snap back to reality. What happened? You seem to have gotten deeply lost in thought. Your friend looks worried. Did you space out for too long?
JOHN: rose?
ROSE: Yes?
JOHN: have...
JOHN: have you ever been depressed?
ROSE: ... Is that a serious question?
JOHN: of course it's a serious fucking question rose!
ROSE: I'm sorry.
ROSE: I only asked because I assumed it was plainly obvious.
JOHN: oh.
You blush sheepishly, but she chuckles a bit. She doesn't seem upset. But you snapped at her? She reaches out and-
Oh.
Her hand's on your shoulder.
Huh.
ROSE: I've had issues with depression for most of my life, I think.
ROSE: Likely a product of growing up as I did.
ROSE: While I realize now my mother was very likely not the cruel, capricious, passive-aggressive bitch I believed her to be, her inability to ever talk to me was still damaging.
ROSE: But despite that, it still hurt to see what had happened to her.
ROSE: During Sburb, when I saw her body lying in a pool of blood, I didn't have the time to process it.
ROSE: We were playing the game, of course.
ROSE: There was no time to pause. We had a single day to do what needed to be done.
ROSE: Do you remember my plan? Or, the plan I had decided to put into action, rather?
JOHN: yeah, blow up the green sun.
JOHN: but it ended up just creating the green sun didn't it?
ROSE: Yes, but that's beside the point.
ROSE: As ill-planned as it was, and despite the way it turned out, there was another reason I was so dead set on carrying it out.
ROSE: Part of me was lashing out.
ROSE: I...
ROSE: I should probably mention I've not told anyone but Kanaya what I'm going to tell you.
JOHN: don't worry, i won't tell anyone.
JOHN: promise.
ROSE: Thank you. I appreciate it.
ROSE: Not that I thought you would. I trust you.
She pauses for a moment, removing her hand from your shoulder and looking down into her lap.
ROSE: Seeing what I saw, and especially after Jack stabbed you, even knowing later on you would come back...
ROSE: I wanted to get everything over with, including my life.
ROSE: It's why it had to be me who blew up the sun.
ROSE: Why I refused to let Strider get involved despite his aggravating persistence.
ROSE: I wasn't aware I would be revived afterwards, and admittedly I felt a sense of relief.
ROSE: But then I had something else to challenge me.
ROSE: Life on the meteor.
You weren't privy to most of what happened on the meteor. Even in the old timeline, you didn't know what had happened. From what you can tell it must have been hellish, being trapped for three years with a killer clown on the loose. Though, you guess he hadn't been allowed to roam near as much once you'd fixed things.
ROSE: It was nice to be away from the action for a while, even for as long and as boring as the journey was.
ROSE: It meant however that I had far too much time on my hands.
ROSE: Whereas before I couldn't stop to process what had happened, I had to keep going.
ROSE: On the meteor I had nothing *but* time to reflect on all of it.
ROSE: For three entire years.
JOHN: god that must have been awful :(
ROSE: Why do you think I started drinking?
ROSE: And then had to be chased and kept away from it by your old cerulean flame?
JOHN: hey wait what do you mean by that?
ROSE: Really, Jo-
ROSE: Err, do you want me to stop calling you that? If it's bugging you I don't have to.
JOHN: please, yes.
ROSE: Really, it was honestly too obvious how you felt about her.
ROSE: The only shocking part was how quickly it all happened, and how quickly it fell apart, from what you've told me before.
You know who she's talking about. You don't know what she's talking about. You certainly never had feelings for her, she was just your cool troll friend. That's why you're patiently awaiting her return home with your other cool troll friend Terezi.
ROSE: That's beside the matter, however.
ROSE: Despite her rampant bitchiness, she kept me from giving in and drinking too much in order to not feel the pain anymore.
ROSE: I do owe her for that.
ROSE: Kanaya on the other hand helped me realize that perhaps my life was still worth living.
ROSE: She was someone to talk to, someone I could trust to care about me.
ROSE: She was, and is, all of those things and more, and without her I likely wouldn't be here, today, in your living room.
ROSE: Three years wasn't enough time to process thirteen years of living in what felt like hell, but between the two of them, and the rest of our friends that I'd been stuck with, it was enough to help me prepare for our eventual arrival.
ROSE: From there, I had hoped that, should things turn out well for us, I'd finally have the time to truly think about these things and begin to properly heal.
JOHN: rose...
JOHN: god i'm sorry i didn't even know about all of this.
JOHN: i feel like i've been 8itching for, what, years now?
JOHN: meanwhile here you are dealing with all of this-
ROSE: That's not why I shared this with you.
JOHN: what?
You look at her, puzzled, through the tears beginning to well in your eyes.
ROSE: I shared these things with you because I'm starting to improve.
ROSE: I still deal with this almost daily, and sometimes I have days that are much worse than usual, but now I'm prepared to cope in a much healthier way.
ROSE: I have my friends to turn to as well, even and especially you.
ROSE: I'm telling you this because I want you to know, it's ok to feel these things.
JOHN: it, is?
ROSE: Yes.
ROSE: And it's ok to need help.
ROSE: Not to mention you have friends who want to help you.
ROSE: I want to help you, J- friend.
ROSE: My oldest and dearest friend.
She grabs your hand. You continue trying to fight back your tears.
ROSE: Talk to me.
ROSE: If you feel comfortable doing so.
JOHN: are-
JOHN: are you sure?
JOHN: is that ok?
ROSE: I wouldn't be going to so much trouble to convince you it's ok if it were not, in fact, ok.
JOHN: that's, a good point.
JOHN: ok.
You shift around a bit, feeling uncomfortable. Taking a deep breath and trying even harder to refrain from crying, you decide to talk to her.
JOHN: i feel...
JOHN: wrong.
JOHN: like.
JOHN: god i don't know how to put it.
JOHN: have you ever just...
JOHN: have you ever felt completely and utterly just, disgusted?
JOHN: with every single facet of yourself?
JOHN: your appearance, your identity, everything about you is just *wrong*?
JOHN: even something as stupid as your own name?
She looks away for a moment in contemplation.
ROSE: I'm not sure to the extent you're insinuating, but sometimes, yes.
ROSE: Would you care to explain?
JOHN: i don't know how else to explain it.
JOHN: everything just feels wrong.
JOHN: and every time i talk to anybody it just feels even worse, like every time i talk to anybody they just make me feel even more *wrong*.
JOHN: i...
JOHN: i blew up at jade today.
ROSE: I'm not surprised.
JOHN: you're not?!
ROSE: Well, I'm shocked you did that, but it doesn't surprise me that that's what led to you disappearing for a while, based on what she said and how you've been acting all night.
JOHN: oh...
ROSE: I'm sorry, please continue.
JOHN: it's fine.
JOHN: i just got so...
JOHN: angry.
JOHN: she accused me of ignoring her when i'm the one who's been feeling ignored.
JOHN: ignored and hurt and *wrong*.
JOHN: because all of you keep saying things like "oh i'm here for you john" or "i'm here if you need me", but until today,
JOHN: until you sat me down and told me it was ok to talk to you, it feels like nobody has actually done anything to help.
JOHN: that plus constantly being called things like "brother" or "dude" or "bro" or even my own fucking name!!!!!!!!
JOHN: it just won't stop!!!!!!!!
JOHN: i...
You take a deep breath and try to calm down. Rose is here to help, you remind yourself. You don't need to yell at her. You don't want to yell at her.
JOHN: i'm sorry, i started to yell again.
ROSE: It's alright. I promise.
JOHN: i don't even know why that's getting to me so much lately. it never used to be like this.
JOHN: except...
JOHN: it kind of always did?
JOHN: i think i just kind of buried it for years?
JOHN: but now it's all coming back up and i don't know what to do about it and it's scaring me.
The tears are starting to stream down your face. You don't seem to be able to hold them back anymore.
JOHN: rose there's something fucking wrong with me and i don't know what it is and i'm scared.
She pulls you into a hug. The tears stop streaming and start pouring. You can't keep from sobbing now.
ROSE: It's going to be alright, I promise.
She looks into your eyes, and you return her gaze.
ROSE: I'm here for you. Right now I'm here for you. We all are. I promise.
ROSE: I know it doesn't feel like it, but everyone cares about you.
JOHN: h-how do you know that for sure though?
ROSE: Because four of your friends spent six hours worrying about you and looking for you, and one of them is staying the night, holding you, and telling you it's going to be alright.
JOHN: ...
JOHN: that's a good point...
You wipe away the tears still pouring from your eyes. She reaches for the remote and shuts off the television that you'd completely forgotten was still on.
ROSE: Why don't we change the topic to something a little more light-hearted?
ROSE: It might be good for you to relax a bit.
JOHN: that's also a good point.
The both of you move around and get a bit more comfortable on the couch, and spend the rest of the night talking shit about your friends. Lovingly, of course. As Friends Do.
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