You wake up once again to the sound of your alarm. It's not a sound you enjoy all that much. In fact, you deciding to actually set it in the first place typically means you expect to be waking up at a reasonable time for once. Which is what you really don't enjoy. At least this time it's for something that will hopefully be enjoyable. Not to mention, at least this time you're not waking up after several hours of your alarm going off.
Look at you, you healthy, growing boy, getting up on time.
As you tend to do every morning, you check your favorite INSTANT MESSAGING CLIENT to see if your friends have left you any messages for you to ignore since you last fell asleep.
Wow.
Huh.
I mean. Yeah?
You're not really sure why you expected Dirk to say much else to you. It does seem as if that's really all there is to say on the matter. For a Strider he's always been remarkably short when talking to you.
... He doesn't hate you does he?
One of these days you'd like to have an actual conversation with Kanaya. You don't think you've really spoken to her at length the entire time you've known her. Which you consider a damn shame, personally. She is your best friend's wife and/or matesprit. You're not actually sure which term they prefer to use, though you believe you remember Rose referring to her as her matesprit. Now you're rambling again. Either way, you feel you ought to get to know her. Besides, she seems nice anyways.
You have to admit, you kind of hope Jane messaging you doesn't start happening a lot more frequently now that you've finally spoken to each other again. You're not sure you're going to message her back.
Who are you kidding, of course you will. You can't bring yourself to willfully ignore her specifically while you message back everyone else.
Jake's a nice boy. He seems like one at least. But you're still upset about how he ghosted Roxy. Now that you think about it, maybe he's not actually a nice boy. Maybe he's a dick. You're starting to regret deciding to actually message back all of your friends.
Maybe you can just message Dirk and Kanaya.
You scroll through the rest of your messages and start replying to everyone, but you notice a few names are absent. This doesn't surprise you of course. Dave and Karkat are typically nowhere near awake at this hour, unless of course Dave wakes up early to come by and see you for some reason. Not that he does that particularly often. You also notice Terezi hasn't messaged you since the other day, but you remember time in the Furthest Ring can be convoluted, and she may not even realize it's your birthday.
Then you get to your sister. She hasn't messaged you at all lately. You didn't notice yesterday for some reason, and even if you had you probably wouldn't have been surprised. But two days in a row? That's extremely out of the ordinary. She's normally bugging you every day, or at least every other day, no matter whether you reply or not.
Though, to be fair, maybe it's not particularly out of the ordinary, considering how your last conversation ended.
Shaking those thoughts out of your head, you decide to get cleaned up and dressed. You and Roxy picked up a number of IMPORTANT PARTY SUPPLIES yesterday, but there's still a few things you'd like to have just in case. Like booze.
Wait. Should you get booze?
You're not sure. On the one hand, now that you're finally old enough, you feel like it would be fun. At the very least, it might make a night surrounded by people you're mostly uncomfortable with lately much more tolerable. But, you worry it might be too much for Rose and Roxy. You don't want to be that kind of asshole that leaves a bunch of alcohol around the two former alcoholics.
You drift around for a few hours as part of the wind flowing throughout the Carapace Kingdom. Technically, you're supposed to be out buying snacks and beer for your party tonight. Not that it's really your party. You have repeatedly told yourself that it's not really your party, it's Rose's party. She just happens to be celebrating your birthday. You keep telling yourself this so you feel better about not being very excited for it, even though in all reality, all she did was tell everyone you were hosting a party, leaving all of the planning and details for you.
Thankfully you aren't planning anything huge, and even if you were, you're not expecting to see more than a few people there. It's not like you have all that many friends anyway.
There's a few people you don't expect to see though that you wish you could see. Wishful thinking though it might be, you'd like to see Terezi tonight. You'd also love to see somebody else, somebody who's been missing ever since you got to Earth C. But you don't expect to ever see her again, nor do you really expect to ever see Terezi either if you're being honest. You start to think about how you likely won't ever see her again unless she brings you-know-who home, but you quickly push those thoughts out of your mind in an effort to stay positive about tonight.
You instead start thinking about how excited you are to be having another birthday. Which is to say, not very excited at all. It doesn't feel particularly special to you. Maybe it's because you had too many birthdays? Your father was always baking cake after cake after cake for you on your birthday every year, no matter how disgusted you became with cakes, an act you still don't completely understand.
Maybe the Batterwitch had him brainwashed? Like your sister? Or, cousin?
Like Jane. There, that's better. Best not think about how exactly she's related to you; ectobiology was never your strong suit, despite your handle on your favorite INSTANT MESSAGING CLIENT and your extensive experience with the practice itself.
What would you even want for your birthday? What did you want last year? Can you even remember ever wanting anything for your birthday? It was cool to get a video game when you turned 13, until getting that video game turned into the end of the world, but you suppose it was still kind of neat. Not to mention your 16th birthday gift ended up being a whole new universe for you and your friends to live in. That's pretty neat.
You and your friends kind of stopped getting each other gifts a few years back though. None of you could ever think of anything you wanted, instead ultimately just preferring to spend time with each other. An excuse to hang out. That's all any of you ever really wanted when you started growing up. Or at least, it was until you stopped hanging out with everyone and started to hole yourself up in your home, isolated from everybody and alone.
You guess that's something you'd like to have this year. You'd like to be able to reach out and talk to people again. Well, some people. Maybe not all of your relatives, for as loaded a word as that is lately. You'd like to be able to spend time with your sister again, at least - preferably with less yelling. Not to mention Rose and Roxy, who you would argue are closer to you than, gosh, even your own sister. Their partners, Kanaya and Callie, you'd like to get to know properly as well, since you'd hardly spoken to them even before becoming a hermit.
Going through the mental list of your friends you don't really talk to anymore, you start to feel bad for just disappearing from their lives. It's not like you really wanted to! You love your friends, and you miss spending more time with them. It's just difficult. It's hard to talk to people when you're afraid of them, when you're constantly worried they're judging you, when every time they refer to you it makes you feel completely and utterly wrong. It's hard, and nobody understands.
Oh, look at the time. It's getting late. You completely forgot about why you had gone out. Maybe you should actually stop by the store.
You briskly drift your windy self over towards the Human Kingdom to hit up the little grocery store not far from your home. On the way there, you return to your previous question: what do you really want for your birthday? You think you finally have an answer, even though you know it's unlikely to happen. Still, wishful thinking truly isn't that bad, is it? And isn't it tradition for those celebrating a birthday to make a wish anyways?
You decide your birthday wish, should you get one, would be to see your missing friends again. Or, at the very least, Terezi Pyrope.
... You then reassure yourself that no, you don't have a crush on her, and no, you aren't overthinking this. Until you notice you overshot the grocery store while thinking about her.
Returning home with a 24 pack of cheap beer and a few extra bags of chips, you notice some movement in your window. The window of the house you, and only you, live in. The house that nobody else would normally be in. You set the goods down and prepare to defend yourself against potential invaders, until you notice a distinctive looking pair of horns. Did they really just let themselves in while you were gone?
You check your MOBILE DEVICE and, while you don't immediately see their supposed attempts to reach you, you realize you missed a handful of messages from people while you were out.
You thank every possible deific being you can think of that Roxy had the foresight to pick up Bagel Bites when you went out yesterday.
As you make your way towards your kitchen, your doorbell rings. Kanaya kindly gets the door while you walk just a bit faster so you don't have to say hello to anyone just yet.
Opening your fridge you are greeted by far too many food and drink items that weren't there this morning. You don't recognize most of these brands and you're not sure you want to know what "extra-virgin grubsauce" is. You assume it's Kanaya's, and decide to ask her about it later tonight. At least there's enough space for a few cans along the refrigerator door. Shuffling back into the living room, you're greeted by-
You jump back in fear, but you quickly calm down and notice the face behind the cake.
It's... Very big. Quite a large cake indeed. But for about a dozen guests it should be sufficient.
Sure enough, you notice the unmistakable silhouette of Dirk Strider outside your window, with one Jake English not very far behind. You had better hurry upstairs, or you'll be forced to greet them yourself.
The only question is, what will you wear? You do have a few nicer outfits, but nobody would expect you to be wearing them, considering this is merely a casual gathering of friends. You could go ultra casual, and wear your god tier pajamas, but that feels a bit too casual for the occasion. This is a difficult decision, but thankfully you have all the time in the world, seeing as the longer you take to deliberate on an answer, the less time you have to interact with anyone.
This doesn't ease your stress the way you think it would, however, instead only adding to your anxiety as you worry about taking too long and upsetting your friends. Why do friendships and fashion both have to be so difficult? And more importantly, since when do you care so much about either?
Suddenly, you hear a voice utterly dripping in pink shouting from down below, and realize you ought to hurry. You settle on a black shirt with your favorite SLIME GHOST on it, your favorite old jeans, and a green jacket. It feels a bit overkill for a casual gathering, but it reminds you of an old friend you wish could be here today. Maybe she can be here in spirit through you, you muse to yourself, before you realize you have no idea what the hell you're thinking. Nor do you really understand why you keep thinking about her lately. Perhaps it's best not to dwell on it.
You make your way downstairs only to be accosted by the voice from earlier.
Well, at least you like Roxy, and Callie is nice, even if you don't really know them particularly well.
Why did you ever agree to this?
In all fairness, you didn't. You were tricked into it thanks to the schemes of a FLIGHTY BROAD you would call your best friend.
You slink away from the guests and sneak into the kitchen to check on the little bagel pizzas you've got cooking for Karkat. You're not really sure why you're going to such great lengths for him, but you figure it'd be a nice gesture from a friend to another friend. Or, whatever your relationship to him is. Not to mention you don't particularly want to be at the receiving end of his threats and shouting if you can help it.
Speak of the devil. You should know better than to think about your friends.
Oh.
Jade's here too.
She seems off. You would have expected her to have joined in on the yelling alongside Dave, if not even before he did, but she seems so quiet. Then you realize perhaps she didn't particularly want to be here. Which seems so obvious when you think about it that you're not sure why you didn't pick up on that sooner. You don't blame her though; even aside from your falling out, you don't particularly want to be here right now either. Rose probably thinks this is good for you however, so you steel yourself and continue to attempt human conversation with your friends.
But by the time you look up, she's gone.
He looks around for Karkat, who seems to have left the entryway as well. You both spot him chatting with Kanaya, and you happen to notice Jade join in on their conversation. She seems a little happier. Maybe it's just that she doesn't want to see you right now.
You know, on your birthday.
Maybe you were right. Maybe she hates you.
How many times can someone use the word "dude" in a sentence and not become annoying at best and hurtful at worst?
Clearly the answer is Dave Strider.
You're not sure why that makes sense to you.
Yet more use of your name. Yet more feelings of discomfort.
It hurts.
Oh what now?
You take off for the kitchen before either of them has a chance to keep you in the conversation any longer, but you notice somebody talking to someone else by your fridge.
It's Jade.
She seems so much happier. Why does she seem so much happier? It's not fair. You're having an awful time here in your own home, and there's nothing you can do about it. Everyone keeps using your name. It hurts. Everyone keeps calling you "dude" or "bro" or, fucking, "old boy". It hurts. Why does it hurt? Why won't it stop? Why can't you stop feeling like this? Why does she get to be happy at your birthday, and you don't?
You hate this. You hate all of this. You especially hate how you can't seem to stop feeling this way. It felt as if it was beginning to dissipate yesterday, after your night with Rose and your time with Roxy, and you seemed as if you were returning to your old self, whoever he really was - until your friends showed up. "Friends." You only really care to talk to two of the almost dozen people here, and really there's someone else you'd rather talk to than any of the rest of them.
But not only is she not here, not only are you likely to never be able to see her in person ever again, Terezi hasn't even messaged you a happy birthday. Or happy wriggling day, whatever. You'd take either one at this point, or even a friendly hello, how are you, just to take your mind off of everything else.
Everything else, but especially Jade. You still don't get it. What's she got to be happy about? Doesn't she hate you? Wasn't she just upset with you the other day? Why is she here? Why has she ignored you the entire time? Why is she looking right at you?
Oh she's looking right at you.
Fuck.
Her expression sours why does she look like that why is she looking at you like that fuck she hates you fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
Rose distracts her. Good. You need to get out of here.
You casually speed towards your stairwell, since your couch is occupied. You figure the stairs are a little more out of the way anyways, hopefully nobody will notice you. Hopefully those who do notice you don't notice how awful you look.
God not him again.
He flinches for a second, unprepared, but he obliges.
You jump and look down towards the living room. If it wasn't already too loud for you in here, that just made it worse.
You see Jake and Dirk scramble towards Jane in an attempt to get her out of this hellish conversation; you see Dave attempt the same with Karkat. What you don't see is your sister coming around the cor- fuck.
No. No this is exactly what you didn't need.
God fucking no this is NOT what you need right now.
She looks hurt again no no what are you doing don't get mad at her you idiot.
You start to raise your voice.
You're not even sure what you're saying at this point. Why are you saying these things? Why are you angry at her for feeling afraid of you? Why can't you stay calm and talk about these things like a normal fucking person? And why at your birthday party of all places?
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