Chapter 1
DAVE: ok so remind me why both of you came with me then
The moment those words leave your mouth, you are filled with deep regret.
KARKAT: BECAUSE ASSHOLE.
KARKAT: YOU DRAGGED ME OUT HERE WITH YOU TO FIND SHIT FOR JUNE'S PARTY.
DAVE: i mean yeah but werent you gonna ask to come with anyway
DAVE: did you really wanna be stuck there with terezi grilling you endlessly
DAVE: imagine all the questions shed be asking you like dude you and dave fuckin yet
DAVE: yall two get into a lot of sloppy makeouts and shit
KARKAT: JEGUS FUCK OK YES MAYBE I WOULD HAVE BUT DID YOU REALLY NEED TO GO THERE?
JANE: Is this really the conversation you two are having? Really?
JANE: Right this moment?
DAVE: dude idk whats wrong with this conversation then if yall two think its fucked im just asking my boyfriend here if he really was gonna sit and listen to terezi probe him about shit he doesnt wanna talk about
JANE: Oh.
KARKAT: OH.
The two of them seem to have assumed you yourself were attempting to grill your boyfriend, but you think you are far too cool to do that. Out in public at least. Among the company of friends you have much less desire to abstain from grilling him. Not even the prototypical Earth C COOLKID himself is that cool.
You are, however, cool enough to convince the readers to wait for your introduction to occur on your own terms. Perhaps cool enough even for your narrator to postpone it in the first place. The introduction will come when you are damn good and ready for it, no matter how unnecessary it is.
Your name is DAVE STRIDER. It is a FAIRLY PLEASANT April day. You are traveling a REASONABLE DISTANCE to a nearby FOOD LIBRARY, an ironically cool term you use when talking about the GROCERY STORE, in order to purchase SNACKS and ALCOHOL to liven up your CHILDHOOD FRIEND's repeat birthday party. You are also attempting to DISAPPEAR from the presence of said CHILDHOOD FRIEND for a short time, so you can attempt to process how her recent reveal will affect your FEELINGS for her.
DAVE: ok so thats karkat squared so whyd you come with jane
DAVE: not that im like mad or anything or didnt want you taggin along im just curious is all
JANE: I told you, I was hoping to pick up a few supplies as well.
JANE: I figured another cake would be appropriate, though I do hope Jo- uhhh, June doesn't get scared by cake yet again.
JANE: He- I mean, she-
DAVE: ok yeah i get it just maybe stop talkin about her until you actually get her name and shit down i really dont think shed wanna hear you keep messing up her name
You don't find it very cool the way she's been referring to June, though you can't entirely blame her considering you both have only known her name for the better part of an hour. That is, until you remember the way she continues to almost completely ignore your own sibling Roxy's pronouns despite Roxy having been out for nearly five months. A few days or a week or two is one thing, five months is something else entirely. Come on, Jane, do better.
You really wish she hadn't come along, but you weren't going to be the one to say no. Typically, that's what your boyfriend is for. He doesn't seem to feel up to it today, however, instead preferring to stay somewhat silent. Despite helping him patch things up with Jane since their last argument, her presence still seems to make Karkat uncomfortable. Not that you blame him.
DAVE: alright well were here
DAVE: well split up so me and karkat can get the shit were getting and you can get cake stuff and whatever else youre getting and be back before shit gets too wild without us
JANE: That sounds like a heck of a plan.
JANE: I'll meet you two by the entrance.
DAVE: sounds good
She begins to make her way towards the other end of the store, thankfully leaving the two of you out of earshot.
KARKAT: SO NOW THAT SHE'S GONE DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHY YOU ACTUALLY DRAGGED ME OUT HERE?
KARKAT: BECAUSE HONESTLY IT'S KIND OF REALLY FUCKING OBVIOUS.
KARKAT: LIKE, DEEPLY OBVIOUS.
DAVE: dude come on shut up
DAVE: i have no idea what you are talking about im literally just here to get shit for junes party
DAVE: i didnt get to see her get fucked up on her real birthday so im here to get the real shit and get her fucked up on her second birthday cause that s what friends do yknow im just bein real here babe
KARKAT: DAVE, SERIOUSLY?
KARKAT: DO YOU NOT REALIZE LITERALLY EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU HAVE MASSIVE FLUSHED FEELINGS FOR HER?
Oh. Fuck.
DAVE: wait so whod you tell this time
KARKAT: I DIDN'T FUCKING TELL ANYONE DAVE.
KARKAT: IT IS LITERALLY THAT FUCKING OBVIOUS TO EVERYBODY.
KARKAT: BECAUSE, AND WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS SO MANY FUCKING TIMES NOW
KARKAT: YOU ARE REALLY NOT EVEN ANYWHERE NEAR AS COOL AS YOU THINK YOU ARE, AND IT ESPECIALLY SHOWS WHENEVER ANY SINGLE FUCKING WORD COMES OUT OF YOUR DUMB HUMAN SQUAWK GAPER.
KARKAT: WOW DAVE, YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR A GIRL AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO MAKE IT SEEM GAY.
KARKAT: I AM SO FUCKING ASTOUNDED!
KARKAT: CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS!
Ok, yeah, fine, you guess he has a point there. Over the years you have grown far more comfortable being your more naturally goofy self, instead of continuing the COOLKID façade you used to keep up for defense. The downside to this is that your awkwardness with people you have crushes on tends to be much, much worse than before. This wouldn't be a problem if you didn't have a massive crush on your best friend.
Not that you would admit to that.
DAVE: look babe yeah ok youre right but maybe thats not why i came all the way out here maybe for once im actually being surface level instead of like hiding shit behind a billion layers of other shit and saying the exact opposite of what i mean
KARKAT: YOU ARE LITERALLY FUCKING INCAPABLE OF THAT YOU LUMPSQUIRTING SHITWEASEL.
DAVE: ok yeah but you dont have to remind me dude
He lets out a typical Vantas groan, clearly feeling done with your shit.
KARKAT: LOOK.
KARKAT: I'M NOT SAYING THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS.
KARKAT: IT'S FINE!
KARKAT: I HAVE TOLD YOU REPEATEDLY THAT IT'S ACTUALLY GENUINELY FUCKING FINE THAT YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER!
KARKAT: WHY CAN'T YOU AT LEAST FUCKING *TALK* ABOUT IT THOUGH? EITHER WITH ME OR WITH HER?
He has a point, Dave.
KARKAT: IT'S OBVIOUS AND IT'S OBVIOUS IT KEEPS BOTHERING YOU TO NOT TALK ABOUT IT, SO FUCKING *TALK* TO ME, YOU APESHITTING FUCK.
DAVE: yeah but like right in the middle of walmart??
KARKAT: YEAH, DAVE.
KARKAT: RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF WALMART.
KARKAT: YOU'RE THE ONE THAT DECIDED TO COME HERE.
DAVE: yeah to get stuff for the party dumpass not to talk about this shit
DAVE: and look maybe its not just cause its june im having trouble maybe its more than that and maybe i really dont wanna talk about it
KARKAT: WHY *NOT*?!
KARKAT: JEGUS FUCKING BULLSHIT.
DAVE: maybe its cause you have like one fuckin volume setting and i dont need the entire human kingdom to know im havin girl trouble
KARKAT: OH.
The two of you are now both painfully aware of the passersby staring at you. You honestly wouldn't be surprised if Jane could hear the two of you from the opposite end of the store. You really hope she can't, though. It may be obvious, at least according to Karkat, that you have COMPLICATED FEELINGS about your CHILDHOOD FRIEND, but you really don't want Ms. Crocker to hear about the depths of your poor, anguished, gay little soul.
Nor are you really sure why you would think of it that way, but you concede that you might be acting a bit like a DRAMA QUEEN at the moment. You decide to lead your boyfriend into one of the other aisles, one that's somewhat out of the way and hopefully will be free of meddling strangers.
DAVE: ok look
DAVE: you really wanna talk about it here
DAVE: like right here right now
KARKAT: IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES TO GET YOU TO FUCKING TALK TO ME THEN YEAH, ASSHOLE.
DAVE: ok fine
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: sure
DAVE: look my thing with june is kinda complicated right now
DAVE: i kinda really just dont know how i feel about her
KARKAT: THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
DAVE: it means i dont know dude
DAVE: like yeah ive been crushing on her for years ok so what
DAVE: im gay im gettin comfy with that im starting to accept it
DAVE: but thats just the thing
DAVE: shes june now
DAVE: like
DAVE: i havent been gay as shit for june egbert for years
DAVE: ive been gay as shit for john
He groans yet again.
KARKAT: ARE YOU REALLY SAYING THIS RIGHT NOW?
DAVE: no dude look im not tryin to like
DAVE: idk what you think im sayin but its not that
DAVE: im not trying to say thats who she is or whatever or shes really a dude i know shes not i get that im not trying to be invalidating or whatever
DAVE: all im saying is thats who she was when i started crushing on her and it made sense to me at the time
DAVE: cause at the time like i said i was starting to accept that im gay
DAVE: and now my best friends a girl and im still crushing on her and its fucking confusing
KARKAT: OH.
DAVE: like this changes so much like am i still gay am i something else like whats goin on now
DAVE: plus like im already dating you like youre my matesprit or whatever
DAVE: like what am i doing
You sigh, and your head falls into your hands. Clearly this is something that bothers you to think about. After the amount of time you spent learning who you are, and coming to terms with being gay, now you're starting to become unsure. You really don't want to go through so much self reflection again. Not to mention, are you really sure you're comfortable with the idea of dating more than one person?
DAVE: like ok
DAVE: so i like her
DAVE: where does that leave you?
KARKAT: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
DAVE: like why are you trying to get me to hook up with her
DAVE: arent we already a thing
KARKAT: YEAH, SO WHAT?
DAVE: does that really not bother you dude like wtf
He shrugs his shoulders and give you a confused look.
KARKAT: I MEAN, BACK ON ALTERNIA, IT WASN'T EXACTLY ALLOWED, AT LEAST NOT WITHIN THE SAME QUADRANT.
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY PEOPLE HAD THEIR VARIOUS QUADRANTS FILLED BUT YOU WERE "SUPPOSED TO" ONLY HAVE ONE PARTNER PER QUADRANT.
KARKAT: BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN PEOPLE WEREN'T ALREADY DOING IT.
KARKAT: LEGALLY IT WASN'T ALLOWED BECAUSE IT WOULD COMPLICATE THE BREEDING PROCESS, BUT IT WAS ALSO KIND OF ENCOURAGED BECAUSE THE CONDESCE FIGURED IT WOULD HELP PROMOTE MORE AGGRESSION AND JEALOUSY IF IT WAS ALSO STILL OUTLAWED?
DAVE: man thats kinda fucked up
KARKAT: ON THE SURFACE, YEAH, IT WAS, BUT IN PRACTICE IT WASN'T REALLY.
KARKAT: FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD IT WAS MORE COMMON TO RESULT IN THAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IN MOVIES AND BOOKS TO TRY AND CONVINCE PEOPLE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN LIKE THAT IN THE REAL WORLD?
KARKAT: BUT THEN ACTUAL HISTORICAL POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS EXISTED AND WERE FAR LESS TROUBLE THAN WE WERE ALL TOLD?
KARKAT: IT WAS ALL KIND OF FUCKED UP BUT ULTIMATELY I DON'T THINK THERE'S REALLY ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT.
KARKAT: ESPECIALLY WHEN BREEDING AND THE QUADRANTS AREN'T BEING ENFORCED BY BULLSHIT FUCKING DRONES DOING THE BIDDING OF A HORRIBLE TYRANNICAL FUCHSIA-COLORED BITCH.
KARKAT: IT'S MORE ALONG THE SAME LINES AS THE GENDER THING, WHERE TROLLS AS A WHOLE DIDN'T ACTUALLY MAKE *THAT* BIG OF A DEAL OUT OF IT, IT JUST KIND OF HAPPENED.
Wow. You should really know better than to ask him questions about relationship things. Sometimes you forget just how much he can ramble about these things. Not that you have any room to talk when it comes to rambling.
DAVE: ok yeah thats cool so then youre trying to hook me up with her because trolls are all into polyamory then
KARKAT: URGH. IT'S NOT FUCKING LIKE THAT YOU ASSWAGON.
DAVE: ok then like
DAVE: enlighten me on whats going on
KARKAT: I'M JUST SAYING.
KARKAT: IF YOU LIKE HER
KARKAT: FUCKING TALK TO HER.
KARKAT: I LITERALLY DO NOT FUCKING CARE, I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY YOU STUPID FUCKSPONGE.
KARKAT: I'M NOT INSECURE ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP, ESPECIALLY NOT ANYMORE. I DON'T CARE IF YOU AND HER HAVE A THING EVEN IF IT'S IN OUR QUADRANT. I KNOW WE'LL STILL HAVE EACH OTHER AND I'M ALRIGHT WITH THAT.
KARKAT: HONESTLY?
KARKAT: I KIND OF JUST WANT YOU TO STOP BEING A CRYPTIC GLOBESUCKING SAD SACK ABOUT HER?
DAVE: wow yeah that sure feels nice to hear from my boyfriend of all people
KARKAT: BUT AM I FUCKING WRONG?
KARKAT: YOU'VE BEEN MOPING AROUND ABOUT HER FOR *MONTHS* NOW, STRIDER!
KARKAT: IT'S MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE A GRUBSHITTING SAD SACK WRIGGLER.
KARKAT: BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY ARE, IS IT?
Is it? You don't know. He's not exactly wrong, you do feel like a grubshitting sad sack wriggler lately. Here you are, Dave Strider, in the middle of a GROCERY STORE moping and whining about a GIRL YOU ARE INTO. At WALMART of all places.
DAVE: dude sometimes i dont even know
DAVE: i dont even know for sure how i actually feel about her like
DAVE: nah im not gonna get into it, not here
KARKAT: URGH.
KARKAT: FINE.
KARKAT: BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS AT *SOME* POINT?
KARKAT: PLEASE?
DAVE: yeah i guess
DAVE: we should like
DAVE: maybe get back to junes place tho
DAVE: shit i bet janes already waitin for us to be done and here we are rambling about dumb shit in the
DAVE: wait hold on which aisle is this again i didnt even look
DAVE: oh fuck its the soup aisle fuck we gotta get goin babe we gotta get out of the FUCKIN SOUP AISLE BABE
The two of you scramble out of the soup aisle and attempt to gather an appropriate array of snacks and alcohol. You find plenty of snacks fit for both humans and trolls, but you figure there's something you need to ask somebody. You just hope it doesn't end up getting awkward.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --
TG: ok look dont make this awkward but i got a big question for you and i swear if you make a big deal out of this im gonna fuckin lose my shit when we get back there
GC: OH?
GC: TH3 COOL K1D N33DS MY W1SDOM?
GC: WH4T 4 PL34S4NT SURPR1S3 TH1S 1S, D4V3 >:]
TG: dude dont do this youre already making it awkward look just
GC: 1S TH1S 4BOUT YOUR CRUSH ON MY M4T3SPR1T?
She just had to go and make it awkward, didn't she?
TG: goddammit no its not about that
TG: not that that is a thing it is definitely very much not a thing like believe me its the absolute farthest thing from being a thing you can think of
TG: cmon t dont make this awkward
GC: F1111111111111111N3
GC: YOUR3 NO FUN 4NYMOR3 >:[
GC: WH4T W1SDOM 4ND S4G3 4DV1C3 DO YOU N33D FROM M3 D4V3?
TG: what kinda grub sauce are we supposed to get again
TG: i know youre like real picky about it
GC: OH
GC: 1S TH4T R34LLY 4LL YOU W4NT3D?
TG: yeah why would i be messaging you about things that genuinely do not matter and are absolutely not things while im in the middle of the fuckin grocery store dumpass
GC: 1TS KR4FT TH1CK 4ND H34RTY GRUB S4UC3
GC: OH
GC: BY TH3 W4Y
GC: YOU H4V3NT TOLD JUN3 WH4TS 1N 1T B3FOR3 H4V3 YOU?
TG: literally why would i do that you know shed fuckin freak
GC: 1 DO KNOW
GC: TH4TS WHY 1M 4SK1NG
GC: DUMP4SS >:P
TG: alright well were on our way back
GC: T4K3 YOUR T1ME, SH3S BUSY 4NYW4YS
TG: whats she doin
TG: like in what way could she possibly be busy right now
TG: is jake harassing her do i need to kick his perfect gay ass or smth
GC: T4LK1NG TO J4D3 OR SOM3TH1NG
TG: oh fuck that cant be good
TG: ig just make sure she doesnt disappear again or smth
GC: C4N DO, STR1D3R
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --
DAVE: ok help me find kraft thick and hearty or whatever
KARKAT: REALLY? KRAFT?
KARKAT: DOES SHE KNOW HOW FAKE THAT GARBAGE IS?
DAVE: dude idk its terezi what do you think
DAVE: besides i figure shes back now who knows how long its been since she had it im just trying to be nice yknow
DAVE: get yourself the one you like then that way you dont have to eat it
KARKAT: FINE, I GUESS.
You scan the shelves looking for the right grub sauce, only to discover a glaringly obvious red bottle just barely within reach. Of course she would get the bright red one. You figure with how rare red-blooded grubs typically are, it must be made with heaping amounts of red food coloring, but if that's what she enjoys, who are you to complain?
Upon finding the grub sauce, you quickly hasten through the rest of the store and grab whatever else you can carry, before checking out and meeting a very impatient looking Crocker outside the store.
JANE: Find everything, boys?
DAVE: yeah we good lets get goin
JANE: Good, finally.
---------------------------------------------------------
You are greeted by a somewhat worried looking Rose Lalonde, who sends you and your collected snacks into June's kitchen. You find a place to set everything, while Jane starts working on her cake.
ROSE: Took you long enough.
DAVE: yeah it took a while to find everything
DAVE: she still talkin to jade?
ROSE: Yes, but they haven't yelled in a while, so either everything is alright or we should all be deeply worried.
ROSE: I'm inclined to believe she's been possessed by a horrorterror and is currently in the process of-
DAVE: yeah ok i really dont wanna know where youre going with that its probably some kind of weird tentacle shit or smth why dont we like back up a lil bit and maybe pretend you didnt start sayin that
ROSE: Fair.
DAVE: i guess ill go bug em see whats up
ROSE: Good luck, Strider.
DAVE: yeah thanks sis
You're not sure what that little exchange was about, nor do you particularly want to think about the implications of what she was going to get into. Instead, you'd rather make your way upstairs to go bother your friends. You can't really hear what's going on, but you figure now is as good a time as any to barge in. Until you're interrupted again.
TEREZI: D444444444V3
DAVE: wow look its exactly who i was trying to talk to
TEREZI: YOU BROUGHT TH3 HUM4N DR1NKS R1GHT?
TEREZI: 1 4M SO UNB3L13V4BLY BOR3D
DAVE: yeah i got you i left em in the kitchen
DAVE: hey babe can you give her a hand?
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, WHY ME?
DAVE: cause you two are like real close arent you?
TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT W3 W3R3 BUT TH1S WR1GGL3R K33PS TRY1NG TO G3T 4W4Y FROM M3
KARKAT: OK, FIRST OF ALL, NO I'M NOT, I GOT *DRAGGED* ALONG BY THIS BULGELICKER.
KARKAT: SECOND OF ALL WHY DO YOU KEEP VOLUNTEERING ME FOR SHIT?
DAVE: cause i love you dumpass
TEREZI: Y34H, DUMP4SS >:]
DAVE: besides i gotta go bug these dorks upstairs
KARKAT: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT, I GET IT.
KARKAT: LET'S FUCKING GO, PYROPE.
KARKAT: JEGUS FUCK.
You sure do love that boy. Even when he's being extra shouty he's still pretty adorable. But you can't just stand here and watch him all night. You have a serious conversation to interrupt, in typical Strider fashion. What would these people do without you?
DAVE: yo ladies
DAVE: if you two nerds arent too busy being weird and gay and shit we got snacks and drinks and shit, janes makin another cake, we got shit to actually have a real party for you and jane this time
Damn it, Strider, why don't you think before you speak some times?
JUNE: dave she's my SISTER why the fuck would i 8e weird and gay with her?
DAVE: dude idfk youre already weird and gay with a troll whos to say youre not gonna get weird and gay with your dog sister
JADE: omg dave shut the fuck up!!!
DAVE: what
DAVE: what did i say
JUNE: dave aren't *you* gay for a troll?!
DAVE: yeah dude *and* your dog sister
DAVE: sometimes
DAVE: hey yknow what lets just back up rewind this whole conversation we dont need to talk about that stuff hey june you want a drink or no
The door opens and the two teary eyed nerds follow you downstairs. Hopefully this party goes better than the last one you were at.
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